“I couldn’t handle being alone and that was a whole other beast. I created this depression, this sadness, and I was too weak to create anything else.” –Josie Bashout
“Long Distance Desire”
Fiction. Based on a True Detached Attachment.
by M.J. Rose
This journal entry is inspired by true events. Some of the characters, names, businesses, incidents, and certain locations and events have been fictionalized for dramatic purposes. Any similarity to the name, character or history of any person is entirely coincidental and unintentional.
Do you ever have those moments where you remember the feeling of someone else’s presence and sob because the memory of them is all you have left of them? There is no more touch, or voice, or love to hold onto. Isn’t it terrifying? How one day you can mean the absolute most to someone and then one day you are trapped, isolated, frozen laying in your bed all alone with no one to talk to, no one to kiss, no one to care.
It is amazing how something as simple as hearing the voice of another person can trigger a sea of emotions inside. Your heart starts pounding, your insides swirl around like butterflies in a cage, and for an instant this voice is love. It sounds lovely, feels lovely. This voice makes you laugh and even feel safe. You can tell anything to this voice. There is trust when it comes to sharing. Once the sharing stops, the trust begins to vanish. When you have no one to hold or give love to, when you can’t smell or taste the sensation of love, all we can do is listen to love. Attachment to the comfort of listening becomes your only escape from feeling totally depressed and lonely.
Alone and lonely are two separate things. You can master the art of feeling comfortable being by yourself, this is where independence comes into play. You feel like no one needs to be around and your sanity is balanced within your heart. Then there is loneliness. It is longing for something more than what we can give to ourselves. Someone or something to cradle the emotions that dig away at your hearts surface.
I am alone most nights. It is not being alone that bothers me it is the lingering feeling of loneliness. Once that settles in, I’m not sure who I am, where I am, when I’m going to change. Every day is different and some days are easier than others. Some days distract me from my inner demons and other days I feel completely empty. There is a pit inside of my being that is trying to fill itself up with the light I shine through my facial expressions. Smiling is the perfect mask.
No one seems to notice how extremely depressed and scared I really am. I want to rip the mask off sometimes. Create a scene, scream, but it is too late. I save face to trick myself into feeling better. I think if I smile more and compliment myself in the mirror and reflect what I am telling myself onto others that I will be making the world a safer place to grow through. Most nights I can’t seem to shake how tragic life really is. Accepting the fact that death is a part of life. Physically and emotionally. One day we’ll wake up somewhere else in the universe. Perhaps lost inside of a memory.
If life is made up of cells then I must understand what my soul is made of. What is a soul? Do I actually have a soul? Is my soul someone or something other than myself? Is my soul another entity living and breathing inside of me? There are some days I feel as if I am being controlled by forces more powerful than I. Maybe that is the secret. We are growing and becoming the person we are destined to be; a shadow buried deep inside waiting for its turn to escape. I need to escape.
This world has never felt like a home. These people, places, faces are not mine. I frequently feel as if I was born for a higher purpose other than what I desire out of this Hell. Why do I want to help people when I can’t even help myself? Why do I search for love when the world has already lost its sense of compassion? Will it ever come back, will I ever come back? From this loneliness that’s eating away my pride. My ego. My strength to shine.
Sometimes exercise really helps motivate positive feelings back into your body, but the chemicals inside our brain that flow throughout the body are separate from the root of our deeper, more personal, internal selves. You have levels of love and when the levels are forgotten, misused, or misplaced we start to lose sight of who we really are. Do we really matter? Is there anyone out there who cares if we fell off the face of the earth?
We want to feel love like our souls were destined to match with someone else’s. We crave love deeper than what was given to us at birth and more purposeful than the relationship we carry on with our family. We all want to have the ability to pick and choose who to love, how to love, where to love, and decide for ourselves why we want to love. The hardest thing to do is to let go of love. When those emotions settle in, it consumes everything.
You have to pick and choose in life what hands you want to place your heart in. What eyes you want to explore. What voice you want to carry your spirit along. What mouth you want to share sensational vibes with. What body you want to cradle yours when the nights get cold. What heart you trust to love you enough to let you be exactly the person you are striving to be. This is hard to accomplish when every day we find new things out about ourselves.
The truth is we are endlessly trying to sooth our wandering spirits. You can only be as grounded as your root chakra allows you to be and as high as our self-actualization chooses to open up. It feels strange to try and evolve in a world designed to rip relationships a part. Modern day love is extremely difficult to come by.
Social media gives us so many connections, yet fails to bond us together effectively. It is a rare chance that love can find its way through the internet. Long distance is a trap. The voice that was once love becomes an even more distant memory. Almost like it never existed in the first place. At some point there will come a time in life when we are forced to give up pieces of ourselves for the sake of another’s happiness. We have to recognize the practicality of all the factors that go into our situations in life. Especially the situations where our emotions feel like they are being tested.
Patience is attainable, but it’s one of the reasons we fail to make things work out in life. Most people act out of impulse. We are all sensitive people and we feel like we have so much that we want to give. The Law of Attraction is a real thing. We attract what we reflect. The universe will respond at its own wiliness to show us how sweet and wonderful life can be. The secret is to focus on what’s truly important to each of your lives.
Don’t push back too hard or put yourself in a position where you’re expecting the other person to constantly be focusing on you. YOU should always be focusing on YOU. Over analyze how you could be feeling, reflect on why that could be. Do not assume or blame the other person for your lack of security, stability, or sanity within the relationship. You are your own problem and solution. The key is strong communication and to keep the faith. All we can do in life is let what’s meant to be come back on its own. If we pry at the things we want in life, it takes longer. Let love find its way. If you tried forcing the wind to travel in a certain way, chances are you would be let down every time.
Love might as well be the 5th hidden element that exists throughout all of life. It’s what keeps everything going. For better or worse, the only thing that truly nurtures love like nothing else is our understanding of patience. Patience alone can harness the deeper attraction for the other person in the long run. Do not sit around waiting for your significant other either. It’s not healthy to be consumed by someone else’s actions. Make yourself busy. The busier you are, the easier being in love is.
Time feels like it goes by faster when you focus on the now. Don’t let the “what ifs” and “could’ve been” scenarios change the strength inside of your heart. Love will find its way back to you. Don’t hang on tightly to what isn’t yours now and wish it into existence. Believe in the principle that it will be in existence when the timing is right, when the moment is meant to be.
Three key words to take away from this: Practical, patience, and push. Remain practical when your emotions start to yearn for affection, be patient with your lover, and don’t push them away. We all live different lives even in close proximity. Space is a good thing, it keeps us aligned with what matters. Breathe in patience and exhale faith. Let your soul meditate. Don’t question why. New days are on the way and remember that some of the best moments in your life are still on the horizon.